Archive for September, 2009

Birthers, Truthers, and Aliens: A Conspiracy of Stupidity

September 13, 2009

The world seems angry about a whole heap of idiotic issues these days. I want to take a second to address these ideas with my usual diplomatic tact (roughly akin to a blunt-force trauma).

The Rumor: 9/11 was an “Inside job”. This group, known as “Truthers” believe that Bush and his cronies either set up 9/11 or allowed it to happen so that the country would rally around their cause and allow the invasion of Iraq.

My Take: I wouldn’t be surprised. Mind you, I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out that it was Clinton or Gore. The stories spin everywhere, but the truth is we simply don’t know, and we probably never will. We publically accuse Bin Laden, but there is no formal charge against him for 9/11 or terrorism on his FBI Wanted List citation.
As of about noon on September 11, 2001 it didn’t matter. If it was Bush, he’s never going to be tried or convicted for it. If it were Bin Laden, he’s never going to be caught. If it was a Clinton/Gore conspiracy, well kudos, they did a good job. No one suspects them… yet. But all this conspiracy talk is just that: talk. Nothing will ever come of it, and no one will ever be called to account. Shit happens, and the best we’re ever going to do is guess at what it was. There’s no use arguing.

The Rumor: Barak Hussein Obama was born in Kenya. Known as “Birthers”, this group are seriously convinced that Obama was born in Kenya, not Hawaii. This makes him ineligible to be the POTUS.

My Take: Assume the Birthers are right and Obama is Kenyan. Who the hell cares? The law that governs this was set up at confederation to prevent agents of the English Crown from infiltrating U.S. politics. These days, if a foreign government wanted to get someone to do their bidding they wouldn’t send one of their own. They’d set up lobbyists and donate heavily to both parties (via surrogates) to make sure that whoever won the election was in their back pockets. [Wait… this is sounding familiar…]
In the end, though, he IS the President of the United States. He may have lied and cheated to get there, but if you look closely at the job description I think lying and cheating are in there somewhere. As president, he will have the power to deflect any and all legal challenges until after his presidency, by which time your concerns are too late. He’s going to be there no matter what you believe of his heritage. As such, I say quit worrying about it and get to worrying about whether he can do the job he was elected to do.

The Rumor: An Alien Cabal and/or Satan is Secretly Running our Governments. The theory goes that aliens and/or Satan have been actively taking over the world and are in power behind the scenes.

My Take: If they want political power, I am happy to give it to them. They can’t do worse that we’ve been doing for a century or so. Now, put those elongated temporal lobes and red pointy ears to work and find us a way out of this damned recession, solve the Middle East Crisis, and for the love of Pete balance the damned budget. If they manage to do this I foresee strong returns for the Alien/Satan ticket in 2014.

The Rumor: The Moon Landing was faked.

My Take: It’s definitely possible that the US government decided to fake the moon landing in a (successful) effort to thwart Soviet aggression.  From where I sit, though, it’s equally possible that it happened exactly the way NASA says it did. The point is, why freak out about it? Your government either  successfully reached the moon, or it successfully staged a phenomenal ploy to defeat the expansion of an enemy superpower.  Who’s being hurt here? Of all the conspiracies out there this is the one that I just don’t understand people getting angry about. No one was hurt, and unless you’re a former Soviet cosmonaut you’re not likely to be effected by “the truth” either way.

Written by Wm. Hopper, author of
thumb-heathens-guide-front-cover The Heathen’s Guide to World Religions.

(Not for Sheep.)